When Building a Better Relationship With Your Daughter Isn’t Enough.

By Val Boyko • October 19th, 2011

I’ve been reading blogs and articles by mothers offering advice to women on how to become closer with their daughters and build a better relationship than they had with their own mothers.

close mother and daughterIt’s great that mothers will pass on the wisdom and lessons learned to their own daughters. However, I am curious to know about their mother relationships and how it is today.

Is there acceptance and peace of mind, or some unfinished business with their mother?

In my conversations with mothers, I’ve witnessed the strong drive to not repeat the frustration and pain that they experienced with their mothers. I’ve heard the powerful urge to  right a wrong that was done to them and make it better for the next generation.

However, focusing on your daughter relationship may not be enough to fill the hole within you or heal the legacy of hurt and disappointment with your own mother. It helps, but may not be enough to bring you peace of mind.

As long as our focus is on something external (even if its the daughter that we love) we are avoiding the internal part of us that still yearns to be loved and taken care of.

For those mothers out there who are doing a terrific job with their daughters now … I would ask if you have peace of mind with your own mother. Are you still hoping she will change or perhaps have dismissed her as not being important or relevant? Are you still giving your power away to her?

If you say yes, then there may be some personal work to be done. It may not be enough to make things better for the next generation when there is still an internal struggle going on.

As a great mom, teacher and role model for your daughter, think about what could be possible for you to explore that could bring you peace in your mother relationship.


Val’s Comment:  Its hard to face a reality filled with strong emotions and hurt. Avoiding these  feelings will ease the pain but cannot bring us true peace of mind. I’m here for you if you’d to explore more.



Hi Val,
I’m not sure exactly is wrong with my mother but she displays many characteristics of a narcissist. She severely abused me physically and emotionally growing up. She disowned me in January this year because she found out that my husband was being stationed near “her” family. She has since visited there and has told people not to trust me. My guess is that she’s trying to discredit me before I get there. How can one resolve that? There has to be another way to fulfill that emptiness and hurt she has created. Any advice would be much appreciated…Lori

Hi Lori, It sounds like your relationship is a real tug of war. I don’t know how much direct contact you have with your mother, or what happened around the disowning or what brings you to move house… but I can sense unresolved issues and a lot of hurt.

When we look at what is happening in the present, and acknowledge (and accept) what had happened in the past, we are more able to make choices for our future.

Think of the rope in your hands as your own internal power. You can choose to use your energy to keep pulling and meeting resistance with more resistance. Or you can choose to let go and use your time and energy in new ways to support your well being and your hopes for the future.

One of the most powerful questions to ask is not What’s wrong with her.. or me? but What am I resisting that I need to let go of?


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