What I’ve Learned On My Mother Whisperers Journey

By Val Boyko • December 2nd, 2011

Val at Turnberry BeachAs most of you know, I’ve been on my own Mother Whisperers  journey for the past couple of years. I’d like to share with you what I have learned and where I am now.

It started with wanting to understand more about daughters and mothers and how to master this special relationship … and it has ended with a sense of  peace, acceptance and well being. The following are the beliefs that I have come to understand and now live by.

I hope you enjoy the insights from my experience. Val x

  • I recognize the love and the bond that connects my mother and myself. It is powerful, yet can’t diminish the power that shines within me.
  • As an adult I can’t be a child. I am independent and no longer rely on the “goodies” that my mother helps me out with. I am responsible for my own life and well being. I don’t expect her to rescue me.
  •  I see my mother as a person and human being first. She is no longer a hero or a villain in my story. I’ve let go of old conditioned reactions. I ask myself “How would I respond if a good friend offered this advice?”
  •  I tell her when she oversteps my boundaries or I feel hurt by her words or actions. I tell her how I feel. Despite the “eek!” and icky feeling I will speak with courage from my heart.
  •  I want to be honest with myself at all times, although denial and distraction may feel much more comfortable! I am open to others who help me see what is hidden.
  •  When I am triggered I recognize that its all about me! It’s my lesson. I let go of a need to defend or blame, and bring my attention to me rather than the “bad other”. I stay present with my feelings and allow myself to feel. I feel it in my body and let the energy release. I ask myself “What do I need here? What am I fearful of?”
  •  I’ve befriended my own internal judge and don’t judge her. I am tender with myself. I can have fun with Ms “Evolved Who Knows Everything”, Ms “Controlaholic” and Ms “I May Not Be Good Enough.”
  •  I choose not to be judgmental and I no longer use guilt on myself or others. I wear loving giraffe ears not the critical jackal’s.
  •  Whenever I feel uncomfortable, fearful or vulnerable I take a deep breath and come into my body. I remind myself that my mind holds the fear, my body holds the truth. I ask “Where am I out of integrity? How am I not being true to my adult Self?”
  •  As soon as I am aware that my mind is spiraling with negative thoughts or is stuck in over analyzing, I turn to my breath, body and yoga to find my way home. To clarity and the heart. And to lighten up!
  • I trust in the unknown and all that I can learn and grow when I let go and embrace the adventure.
  •  I am authentic me…. And I try to not take myself too seriously 😉

This is the story that I am creating for myself.

What story do you want to create for yourself on your journey?


Of course, no one gets to where they want to be alone! None of this would be possible without the following people:

Many thanks to all the people who have written about mothers and daughters and shared their stories.

Thanks to members of this community for supporting the cause!

I’d like to give special thanks to my mentors Jay Perry and Dr Susan Campbell; authors Marshall B Rosenburg, John Welwood and Brene Brown; my yoga teachers Nicole and Joe at East Eagle: and my loving friends, colleagues, yoga students and coaching clients.

Of course, none of this would ever have been possible with my mum. Thank you from my heart.




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  • COMMUNICATION QUIZ - Can You Make These Statements?

    Ask yourself if you make any of the following 15 statements. Find out if you are expressing yourself fully and are communicating with openness and presence.
    • SCORING The highest possible score is 30, and the lowest is zero. The higher the score, the higher your likelihood of having success in all your relationships. 0-9: You probably find yourself frustrated in relationships (especially with your mother) more often than you would like. 10-15: You have a high aptitude for relating and are open to learning 16-24: You have good relationship skills. How can you apply them more to your mother relationship? 25-30: Congratulations! Your capacity for present-centered relating is at a very high level.
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