Redefine Your Mother Relationship

By Val Boyko • April 10th, 2011

When you come to see your mother as a human being and want to to build a better relationship with her, its time to ask some important questions: “What is the relationship that I have with my mother now, and how do I want it to be?”
And then, “Am I being realistic?”

In our minds we may still hold onto the mother of our dreams and the inspiration for millions of mothers day cards …..

dancing with momThe one who encouraged me to be me; the caring and nurturing one; the independent one; the successful career one; the one who was always there; the one who sacrificed herself for me; the one who stood up to other people; the one who was proud of me; the one who adored me; the one who loves my husband; the one who preferred me over my sister; the one who loves me unconditionally …..

There are many versions of the ideal mother out there, that we may still be hoping for.

Here are some questions to ask yourself  so you can let this go and move forward:

What is the relationship that I have with my mother now?

  • What’s working well in my relationship with my mother?
  • What’s not working?
  • What emotions do I have about our relationship?
  • How do we support one another? and How do we get in each others way?
  • What do I appreciate about my relationship with my mother?
  • What do I love about my mother?

How do I want it to be?

  • What’s possible?
  • How do I want to relate to my mother?
  • What emotions do I want to feel?
  • How do I want her to relate to me?
  • What can I do to make this a better relationship for me?

Am I being realistic?

  • Do I need to see my mother differently to have the relationship I want?
  • What needs to change within me so that I can relate to my mother the way I want?
  • What can I do to feel good about myself and the part I play in our relationship?
  • Am I being too idealistic? If so, what can I let go of?

Remember it’s a work in progress!



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    Ask yourself if you make any of the following 15 statements. Find out if you are expressing yourself fully and are communicating with openness and presence.
    • SCORING The highest possible score is 30, and the lowest is zero. The higher the score, the higher your likelihood of having success in all your relationships. 0-9: You probably find yourself frustrated in relationships (especially with your mother) more often than you would like. 10-15: You have a high aptitude for relating and are open to learning 16-24: You have good relationship skills. How can you apply them more to your mother relationship? 25-30: Congratulations! Your capacity for present-centered relating is at a very high level.
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