Deborah Tannen on Mothers and Daughters Communication

This is a great article from Deborah Tannen which summarizes her book “You’re Wearing That? – Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation.” Marlene and I highly recommend it.

Oh, Mom. Oh, Honey.: Why Do You Have to Say That?
By Deborah Tannen

The Washington Post, January 22, 2006

Copyright Deborah Tannen

The five years I recently spent researching and writing a book about mothers and daughters also turned out to be the last years of my mother’s life. In her late eighties and early nineties, she gradually weakened, and I spent more time with her, caring for her more intimately than I ever had before. This experience — together with her death before I finished writing — transformed my thinking about mother-daughter relationships and the book that ultimately emerged.

All along I had in mind the questions a journalist had asked during an interview about my research. “What is it about mothers and daughters?” she blurted out. “Why are our conversations so complicated, our relationships so fraught?” These questions became more urgent and more personal, as I asked myself: What had made my relationship with my mother so volatile? Why had I often ricocheted between extremes of love and anger? And what had made it possible for my love to swell and my anger to dissipate in the last years of her life?

Though much of what I discovered about mothers and daughters is also true of mothers and sons, fathers and daughters, and fathers and sons, there is a special intensity to the mother-daughter relationship because talk — particularly talk about personal topics — plays a larger and more complex role in girls’ and women’s social lives than in boys’ and men’s. For girls and women, talk is the glue that holds a relationship together — and the explosive that can blow it apart. That’s why you can think you’re having a perfectly amiable chat, then suddenly find yourself wounded by the shrapnel from an exploded conversation.

Daughters often object to remarks that would seem harmless to outsiders, like this one described by a student of mine, Kathryn Ann Harrison:

“Are you going to quarter those tomatoes?” her mother asked as Kathryn was preparing a salad. Stiffening, Kathryn replied, “Well, I was. Is that wrong?”

“No, no,” her mother replied. “It’s just that personally, I would slice them.” Kathryn said tersely, “Fine.” But as she sliced the tomatoes, she thought, can’t I do anything without my mother letting me know she thinks I should do it some other way?

I’m willing to wager that Kathryn’s mother thought she had merely asked a question about a tomato. But Kathryn bristled because she heard the implication, “You don’t know what you’re doing. I know better.”

I’m a linguist. I study how people talk to each other, and how the ways we talk affect our relationships. My books are filled with examples of conversations that I record or recall or that others record for me or report to me. For each example, I begin by explaining the perspective that I understand immediately because I share it: in mother-daughter talk, the daughter’s, because I’m a daughter but not a mother. Then I figure out the logic of the other’s perspective. Writing this book forced me to look at conversations from my mother’s point of view.

I interviewed dozens of women of varied geographic, racial and cultural backgrounds, and I had informal conversations or e-mail exchanges with countless others. The complaint I heard most often from daughters was, “My mother is always criticizing me.” The corresponding complaint from mothers was, “I can’t open my mouth. She takes everything as criticism.” Both are right, but each sees only her perspective.

One daughter said, for example, “My mother’s eyesight is failing, but she can still spot a pimple from across the room.” Her mother doesn’t realize that her comments — and her scrutiny — make the pimple bigger.

Mothers subject their daughters to a level of scrutiny people usually reserve for themselves. A mother’s gaze is like a magnifying glass held between the sun’s rays and kindling. It concentrates the rays of imperfection on her daughter’s yearning for approval. The result can be a conflagration — whoosh.

This I knew: Because a mother’s opinion matters so much, she has enormous power. Her smallest comment — or no comment at all, just a look — can fill a daughter with hurt and consequently anger. But this I learned: Mothers, who have spent decades watching out for their children, often persist in commenting because they can’t get their adult children to do what is (they believe) obviously right. Where the daughter sees power, the mother feels powerless. Daughters and mothers, I found, both overestimate the other’s power — and underestimate their own.

The power that mothers and daughters hold over each other derives, in part, from their closeness. Every relationship requires a search for the right balance of closeness and distance, but the struggle is especially intense between mothers and daughters. Just about every woman I spoke to used the word “close,” as in “We’re very close” or “We’re not as close as I’d like (or she’d like) to be.”

In addition to the closeness/distance yardstick — and inextricable from it — is a yardstick that measures sameness and difference. Mothers and daughters search for themselves in the other as if hunting for treasure, as if finding sameness affirms who they are. This can be pleasant: After her mother’s death, one woman noticed that she wipes down the sink, cuts an onion and holds a knife just as her mother used to do. She found this comforting because it meant her mother was still with her.

Sameness, however, can also make us cringe. One mother thought she was being particularly supportive when she assured her daughter, “I know what you mean,” and described a matching experience of her own. But one day her daughter cut her off: “Stop saying you know because you’ve had the same experience. You don’t know. This is my experience. The world is different now.” She felt her mother was denying the uniqueness of her experience — offering too much sameness.

“I sound just like my mother” is usually said with distaste — as is the wry observation, “Mirror mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all.”

When visiting my parents a few years ago, I was sitting across from my mother when she asked, “Do you like your hair long?”

I laughed, and she asked what was funny. I explained that in my research, I had come across many examples of mothers who criticize their daughters’ hair. “I wasn’t criticizing,” she said, looking hurt. I let the matter drop. A little later, I asked, “Mom, what do you think of my hair?” Without hesitation, she said, “I think it’s a little too long.”

Hair is one of what I call the Big Three that mothers and daughters critique (the other two are clothing and weight). Many women I talked to, on hearing the topic of my book, immediately retrieved offending remarks that they had archived, such as, “I’m so glad you’re not wearing your hair in that frumpy way anymore”; another had asked, “You did that to your hair on purpose?” Yet another told her daughter, after seeing her on television at an important presidential event, “You needed a haircut.”

I would never walk up to a stranger and say, “I think you’d look better if you got your hair out of your eyes,” but her mother might feel entitled, if not obligated, to say it, knowing that women are judged by appearance — and that mothers are judged by their daughters’ appearance, because daughters represent their mothers to the world. Women must choose hairstyles, like styles of dress, from such a wide range of options, it’s inevitable that others — mothers included — will think their choices could be improved. Ironically, mothers are more likely to notice and mention flaws, and their comments are more likely to wound.

But it works both ways. As one mother put it, “My daughters can turn my day black in a millisecond.” For one thing, daughters often treat their mothers more callously than they would anyone else. For example, a daughter invited her mother to join a dinner party because a guest had bowed out. But when the guest’s plans changed again at the last minute, her daughter simply uninvited her mother. To the daughter, her mother was both readily available and expendable.

There’s another way that a mother can be a lightning rod in the storm of family emotions. Many mothers told me that they can sense and absorb their daughters’ emotions instantly (“If she feels down, I feel down”) and that their daughters can sense theirs. Most told me this to illustrate the closeness they cherish. But daughters sometimes resent the expectation that they have this sixth sense — and act on it.

For example, a woman was driving her mother to the airport following a visit, when her mother said petulantly, “I had to carry my own suitcase to the car.” The daughter asked, “Why didn’t you tell me your luggage was ready?” Her mother replied, “You knew I was getting ready.” If closeness requires you to hear — and obey — something that wasn’t even said, it’s not surprising that a daughter might crave more distance.

Daughters want their mothers to see and value what they value in themselves; that’s why a question that would be harmless in one context can be hurtful in another. For example, a woman said that she told her mother of a successful presentation she had made, and her mother asked, ‘What did you wear?’ The woman exclaimed, in exasperation, “Who cares what I wore?!” In fact, the woman cared. She had given a lot of thought to selecting the right outfit. But her mother’s focus on clothing — rather than the content of her talk — seemed to undercut her professional achievement.

Some mothers are ambivalent about their daughters’ success because it creates distance: A daughter may take a path her mother can’t follow. And mothers can envy daughters who have taken paths their mothers would have liked to take, if given the chance. On the other hand, a mother may seem to devalue her daughter’s choices simply because she doesn’t understand the life her daughter chose. I think that was the case with my mother and me.

My mother visited me shortly after I had taken a teaching position at Georgetown University, and I was eager to show her my new home and new life. She had disapproved of me during my rebellious youth, and had been distraught when my first marriage ended six years before. Now I was a professor; clearly I had turned out all right. I was sure she’d be proud of me — and she was. When I showed her my office with my name on the door and my publications on the shelf, she seemed pleased and approving.

Then she asked, “Do you think you would have accomplished all this if you had stayed married?” “Absolutely not,” I said. “If I’d stayed married, I wouldn’t have gone to grad school to get my PhD.”

“Well,” she replied, “if you’d stayed married you wouldn’t have had to.” Ouch. With her casual remark, my mother had reduced all I had accomplished to the consolation prize.

I have told this story many times, knowing I could count on listeners to gasp at this proof that my mother belittled my achievements. But now I think she was simply reflecting the world she had grown up in, where there was one and only one measure by which women were judged successful or pitiable: marriage. She probably didn’t know what to make of my life, which was so different from any she could have imagined for herself. I don’t think she intended to denigrate what I had done and become, but the lens through which she viewed the world could not encompass the one I had chosen. Reframing how I look at it takes the sting out of this memory.

Reframing is often key to dissipating anger. One woman found that this technique could transform holiday visits from painful to pleasurable. For example, while visiting, she showed her mother a new purchase: two pairs of socks, one black and one navy. The next day she wore one pair, and her mother asked, “Are you sure you’re not wearing one of each color?” In the past, her mother’s question would have set her off, as she wondered, “What kind of incompetent do you think I am?” This time she focused on the caring: Who else would worry about the color of her socks? Looked at this way, the question was touching.

If a daughter can recognize that seeming criticism truly expresses concern, a mother can acknowledge that concern truly implies criticism — and bite her tongue. A woman who told me that this worked for her gave me an example: One day her daughter announced, “I joined Weight Watchers and already lost two pounds.” In the past, the mother would have said, “That’s great” and added, “You have to keep it up.” This time she replied, “That’s great” — and stopped there.

Years ago, I was surprised when my mother told me, after I began a letter to her “Dearest Mom,” that she had waited her whole life to hear me say that. I thought this peculiar to her until a young woman named Rachael sent me copies of e-mails she had received from her mother. In one, her mother responded to Rachael’s effusive Mother’s Day card: “Oh, Rachael!!!!! That was so WONDERFUL!!! It almost made me cry. I’ve waited 25 years, 3 months and 7 days to hear something like that . . . .”

Helping to care for my mother toward the end of her life, and writing this book at the same time, I came to understand the emotion behind these parallel reactions. Caring about someone as much as you care about yourself, and the critical eye that comes with it, are two strands that cannot be separated. Both engender a passion that makes the mother-daughter relationship perilous — and precious.

Author’s e-mail:

Deborah Tannen is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University. This piece is based on her book, “You’re Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation,” published this week by Random House.

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