Make an Agreement to Make Your Relationship Work

By Val Boyko • October 23rd, 2011

mother daughter talking and agreeingWhen a mother and daughter commit to working on their relationship together, its important to have common understanding and agreement on things that both of you are willing to commit to doing. This will help you   maintain the integrity of your relationship when the going gets tough.

Here are some suggestions.

I agree to:

1. Step Back

Let the dust settle by taking time out to think and not react in the moment

Honor my relationship partner’s need to take time out to think without feeling rejected

Believe best intentions first (rather than assuming an attack, manipulation, being controlled etc)

Cut the other some slack since maybe something else is going on for them that the are working through but are not ready to share now (if ever)

2. Appreciate!

Reflect on what is good / what has been good in the relationship

Reflect on the value of the relationship to me in the bigger context (Karma, the ties that bind)

Think what if… What if I didn’t have this person in my life?  What would I miss that I value, love, like…?

3. Be Realistic

Make observations rather than judgments about the person and/or the situation. Describe what I am seeing and hearing rather than what thoughts come to mind.

Let go of my ideal or dream for the perfect mother or daughter.

Allow the person one major flaw (as I would any friend) and love them or like them in spite if it.

4. Practice Open Communication

Express my feelings in the moment.

Speak my truth even when it isn’t easy, but don’t make it brutal.

Put aside the need to be right, defend or blame by listening to understand first.

Be empathetic to the needs of the other person.

Share my needs in the relationship and identify how they can be met within the boundaries that we both have/need.

5. Practice the Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz

Don’t make assumptions, but if I must, check them out with my relationship partner

Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of me.

Be impeccable with my word.  Keep my promises.

Always do my best

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  • COMMUNICATION QUIZ - Can You Make These Statements?

    Ask yourself if you make any of the following 15 statements. Find out if you are expressing yourself fully and are communicating with openness and presence.
    • SCORING The highest possible score is 30, and the lowest is zero. The higher the score, the higher your likelihood of having success in all your relationships. 0-9: You probably find yourself frustrated in relationships (especially with your mother) more often than you would like. 10-15: You have a high aptitude for relating and are open to learning 16-24: You have good relationship skills. How can you apply them more to your mother relationship? 25-30: Congratulations! Your capacity for present-centered relating is at a very high level.
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