Learn to Speak Up – Before the Conflict Erupts!

By Val Boyko • January 7th, 2011

Have you noticed that the drama triangle and family conflicts usually erupt when we have failed to say what we really wanted to earlier on? At the time we don’t express our thoughts and feelings about what aggravates or upsets us.  Just like a pressure cooker, we keep the resentment in and the pressure builds, until it blows!

We are not born knowing how to communicate in relationships. We learn from those around us.

Some of us were never taught about how to talk about our feelings or deal with strong emotions like anger and frustration. Many of us were punished when we spoke out, so we were taught to be passive and quiet. Others were given messages about self expression such as “children should be seen and not heard:, “don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about”, “don’t be silly, there’s nothing to be scared about”, “only babies cry”, “be a good girl and be quiet”.

Can you see how these childhood experiences can keep us from learning how to express ourselves especially with our mothers?

As children we are dependent on our mothers and the adults around us for survival. We quickly figure out how we can get our mothers to love us and take care of us. As adults, these strategies survive with us until we realize that they no longer serve us, and start to cause us aggravation and pain!

Learning to speak up and express ourselves takes some practice at this stage in our lives – and a good dose of courage too. To find out more about becoming more assertive and making your voice heard Click Here…..



maybe “speak up” is a loaded term….. it implies hierarchy…..

what if we would do more (and earlier) “speaking with”

Jay, Thank you for this interesting insight behind speaking up … which also brings to my mind how we may use speaking down in a clearly hierarchical way!
My intention is for all of us to be inspired to express ourselves in an authentic way as equals!


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  • COMMUNICATION QUIZ - Can You Make These Statements?

    Ask yourself if you make any of the following 15 statements. Find out if you are expressing yourself fully and are communicating with openness and presence.
    • SCORING The highest possible score is 30, and the lowest is zero. The higher the score, the higher your likelihood of having success in all your relationships. 0-9: You probably find yourself frustrated in relationships (especially with your mother) more often than you would like. 10-15: You have a high aptitude for relating and are open to learning 16-24: You have good relationship skills. How can you apply them more to your mother relationship? 25-30: Congratulations! Your capacity for present-centered relating is at a very high level.
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