It’s not about my mother – it’s all about me!

By Val Boyko • December 20th, 2010

Person crying out "It's all about me!"In my interviews with women on their mother relationships, I’m finding there are different ways for us to break through into a more fulfilling relationship. Thank you Dorothy for sharing your story. As you said “it wasn’t about my mother at all – it was all about me!”

Sometimes we don’t have to have that dreaded honest conversation to break through and find our own peace of mind.

Here’s Dorothy’s story:

“I had gone to Florida for 3 weeks. My intention was to make her happy and to do whatever she wanted me to do. I wanted to honor her. Playing it her way. Previously I had felt a lot of hostility towards her, and I thought if I could get over my own hostility and do everything she wanted me to do, then we would have a wonderful time.

I bent over backwards to make her happy…. I found myself getting hostile again.

Then I realized it has nothing to do with her. It wasn’t about her, she was being her usual complaining self. It was about me. What was being hurt was my self image.

I like to think about myself as someone who make others happy. I bring joy to those I love….. and she wasn’t cooperating.

I wasn’t getting my way, and I was getting mad. It wasn’t her after all. I was able to let all the hostility go when I saw it was all about me.

It would have been great if I could have done this before I was 60!!”

Thanks Dorothy for your story!

Val’s comment: As we grow up we build an identity for ourselves that becomes our reality. We can lose our true selves along the way as we try to live the story we have created. Isn’t it amazing, that our mothers can trigger us back into being our authentic selves! It usually comes when our buttons have been pushed and we are ready to look at – and own – the underlying feelings. More on this to come!



Thank you for helping me on the route to find peace with myself. I’m 43 and left home at 22, I just coud never stay with my mother, she was always complaining about me and the only way to make her happy was giving her money and pay the household bills on time, so I did from the age of 16 to 22, then I left, got married and she never wanted to visit me, never asked me about my life with interest, but if I offered money it was always welcome. My mother thinks that her children have an obligation to support her. Now she is alone and not very well, I feel guilt for not been there for her, have not visited for two years and feel bad about it.

Hi Joel, I feel for you and your internal struggle. No matter what the relationship has been in the past, it takes one person to reach out with compassion to bring peace of mind. At the end of the day its important to live by our own values and do what we feel is right. We can’t control the outcome but we can be true to our higher selves.
It may be time for your mother to see things differently… or not. Bu at least you gave it your best caring shot.


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