If We Can’t Be Authentic With Mom, Can We Be Authentic In Life?

By Val Boyko • March 28th, 2011

If we can’t be authentic with our mothers, can we be authentic in life? When I think about being authentic, I turn to a great  coach Jay Perry. Over the past 5 years I have been in a coaching group with Jay called All4One. Our purpose is to connect and support each other in our success AND connect as authentic human beings.

So, what have I learned about authenticity?

girl sharing heartWe can only be authentic when our fears are set aside. When we open up rather than close down.

When we give our heart unconditionally. When we are able to ask for what we need and graciously receive what is given.

When we allow ourselves to be seen and be vulnerable. When we connect with love. compassion and understanding.

These are wonderful gifts to work towards as a coach, as well as a human being!

So, I’ve been working on my own journey of being authentic and “real”. I thought I had done a pretty good job, until I realized that I was still not being fully ME with my mother.

I was still adapting to her and adopting the role of good daughter, rather than being my authentic self.
Yes, there was a part of me that I was holding back and hiding from her. And yes, there was also a part of me that said to myself, “Well she never asks, so why should I tell her?”….

She doesn’t really know me, and now I see it’s because I have been holding back. I also know in my heart that distance is also very healthy! However, I am ready to come closer again and let her know me as an adult woman.

As part of my Mother Whisperers journey, I am now consciously sharing my real self with her. Sometimes I see that our differences make her feel uncomfortable, because she so much wants us to be alike.

I tell her it’s okay to be different. We have different outlooks and beliefs but we will always be mother and daughter. That’s a message that can take a daughter a long way to become authentic with her mother.

It’s also a message that’s worth repeating to ourselves. Accepting that our mothers are not more like us and are different is a REALLY big step for us too.

Val’s comment: Where are you are not being truly authentic in your life? It’s probably in relationships where you feel the most vulnerable, or where you are giving your power away. Perhaps it isn’t possible to make that step with your mother, but is there someone else you are ready to be more authentic, loving and vulnerable with? Let them know by giving your heart unconditionally.



“She doesn’t really know me, and now I see it’s because I have been holding back.” This line spoke to me today… a great reminder. Thanks, Val!

And so we face what we learned as children, holding back so we avoid feeling the hurt. It’s a powerful lesson that many never get to learn. Thanks for being so authentic Susan 🙂


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    Ask yourself if you make any of the following 15 statements. Find out if you are expressing yourself fully and are communicating with openness and presence.
    • SCORING The highest possible score is 30, and the lowest is zero. The higher the score, the higher your likelihood of having success in all your relationships. 0-9: You probably find yourself frustrated in relationships (especially with your mother) more often than you would like. 10-15: You have a high aptitude for relating and are open to learning 16-24: You have good relationship skills. How can you apply them more to your mother relationship? 25-30: Congratulations! Your capacity for present-centered relating is at a very high level.
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