Does Your Mother Play the Victim?

By Val Boyko • November 19th, 2010

Who knew that talking about the drama triangle could become a Pandora’s box! We’ve talked about children being victims and when we as daughters may be judged as the villain.
What about the times that our mother takes on the victim role intentionally? What’s going on with her? And what happens inside of us?

Just as a child who feels hurt takes on the role of a victim and uses that as a strategy to get comfort and attention, we adults do the same. Our mothers included!
Some mothers deserve Oscars in this area 😉

What some of us find so aggravating is the expectation that we have to meet their need for reassurance and comfort. This can trigger a whole range of emotions, especially if we feel that we didn’t get the reassurance and comfort that we needed ourselves when we were young!!

If you are thinking “Why should I give her love and attention when she didn’t give it to me in the past? I’ll show her by letting her stew!”, then you are competing for the same victim role Oscar.

Step back and notice that you are both using the same strategy…. Do you see who you may have learned it from ….. Do you wonder if you are also passing it on inadvertently to your daughters and children…..

Victims are looking for love and attention. When we judge them and withhold from helping them get their needs met, the drama will continue.



one can argue that it can go both ways

Agreed! We can get good at arguing both ways when we put ourselves in other people’s shoes. I recall my mother telling me “You are on the fence all the time when will you make your mind up. One day your fall and split yourself in two!” I guess she didn’t see the gift in being able to see things from both points of view…… but it does make me smile when I think how unlike her I am in this way. Thanks Mum!


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