Communication 101 for Daughters and Mothers – #6 Listen to Her!

By Val Boyko • July 24th, 2011

woman in conversationEffective communication is two way – delivering your message so that it is heard and understood, and listening to the other person so they feel heard and understood.

Sounds simple enough, but most of us do more talking that listening.

Here’s the first tip to remember – when we are talking we are not listening!

Think of a recent conversation you had with your mother or daughter. What were you listening for?

–          Real understanding? or

–          A pause so you can make your point? or

–          An opportunity to agree or disagree? or

–          A way to be right?

We have all learned to listen with a critical mind. We compare what we know or have experienced, we judge and then agree or disagree.

Interpreting through our memory prevents us from truly listening. We are filtering the message through our experience and beliefs rather than in its own right. This is one of the biggest hurdles in a conversation between a mother and daughter. We bring a lot of history and emotional baggage!

True listening is being open to something new without interpreting it.

When we are interpreting what is being said we are also thinking if we agree or disagree.

It isn’t easy to put aside being right and justifying your case. However, the more you try to justify, the more the other person will dig in her heels and stick to her opinion.

If you want them to hear you, you need to let go of being right and try to have nothing on your mind.

  • Blocks to Listening ( More insights into what prevents us from true listening.



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  • COMMUNICATION QUIZ - Can You Make These Statements?

    Ask yourself if you make any of the following 15 statements. Find out if you are expressing yourself fully and are communicating with openness and presence.
    • SCORING The highest possible score is 30, and the lowest is zero. The higher the score, the higher your likelihood of having success in all your relationships. 0-9: You probably find yourself frustrated in relationships (especially with your mother) more often than you would like. 10-15: You have a high aptitude for relating and are open to learning 16-24: You have good relationship skills. How can you apply them more to your mother relationship? 25-30: Congratulations! Your capacity for present-centered relating is at a very high level.
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