Communication 101 For Daughters and Mothers – #2 Know Your Intention

By Val Boyko • June 10th, 2011

Communication is ALL about our intention.

Think about it. We communicate in order to: Get attention,  inform,  have our say,  be right,  explore,  be liked,   influence,  relate,  advise,  understand,  win approval,  get our way,  be heard,  convince others …..etc etc.

controlling communicationIts estimated that about 90% of communication is about controlling. Most of the time we do this unconsciously. We want to get our way. Its human nature to try to get our needs met. We also want to influence the other person to our thinking. In doing so we feel more in control of the situation and therefore safe.

Mothers and daughters can be expert in communicating in order to try to control a situation or  each other, rather than to relate to each other as adult human beings.

When we feel in control we avoid being vulnerable to the unknown and getting hurt. So it makes sense that most of our communication is geared towards this.

Take a few moments and think about it. Next time you are in a conversation with your mother or with your daughter, ask yourself  W.A.I.T. – Why Am I Talking?

Why ARE you talking? What is your intention?

If we want to get closer and be more authentic with this person in order to build trust and closer relationship, then understanding our true intention is key.

We need to shift from controlling to relating.

Dr Susan Campbell has written a lot about this. Click here to read an article that summarizes her insights and approach.

I think you will be surprised!!




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  • COMMUNICATION QUIZ - Can You Make These Statements?

    Ask yourself if you make any of the following 15 statements. Find out if you are expressing yourself fully and are communicating with openness and presence.
    • SCORING The highest possible score is 30, and the lowest is zero. The higher the score, the higher your likelihood of having success in all your relationships. 0-9: You probably find yourself frustrated in relationships (especially with your mother) more often than you would like. 10-15: You have a high aptitude for relating and are open to learning 16-24: You have good relationship skills. How can you apply them more to your mother relationship? 25-30: Congratulations! Your capacity for present-centered relating is at a very high level.
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