Changing Our Mother Relationship

By Val Boyko • March 8th, 2011

change ahead signTo achieve peace in our mother relationship, something has to change. When we realize that we only have control over ourselves, then that means WE have to do some changing!

A good place to start is to become aware of our own attitudes and beliefs.

Here are some responses that many of us tell ourselves when trying to master our mother relationship:

  • “I can’t possibly ask her to change! She won’t change, no matter how much I want her to.” It sounds like you really want things to be different. How do you really know this without trying?
  • “Our relationship won’t change.” Again, how do you really know this? There is always potential for change.
  • “My mother isn’t capable of changing.” Is this really true? Yes, she may be entrenched in her own ways, but the potential for change is always there. A different approach may unlock the key.
  • “If I try something different she’ll be upset and it could make the relationship worse.” Yes, she may be upset, but if you don’t try then it probably isn’t going to get better by itself.
  • “I tried to have an honest conversation with her but it didn’t work. What’s the point of trying again?”  Change doesn’t happen overnight or in one conversation! Giving up may seem an easier option for you right now, but recognize that resistance is normal and can be overcome with patience, understanding and empathy, as well as a new approach to communicating.
  • “You don’t know my mother!!!” True. But an outside person can see a new and different perspective too. Have you considered that you may both be stuck in old patterns of interacting and not know it.

Key Things to Remember About Change:

  • We are all resistant to change, even when it’s for our own benefit.

  • Change is uncomfortable and full of unknowns.

  • When we face the unknown, we feel vulnerable.

  • As Brene Brown says “Vulnerability brings fear and struggle, and is also the birthplace of joy, creativity longing and love.”

Val comment: “Do you want to learn more about how to communicate with your mother? A fresh approach and a good dose of understanding may be the answer. You will find articles and tips on our site.  Simply do a search for “communication” and see what resources may help.  Look out for an upcoming forum call in this topic too!”

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  • COMMUNICATION QUIZ - Can You Make These Statements?

    Ask yourself if you make any of the following 15 statements. Find out if you are expressing yourself fully and are communicating with openness and presence.
    • SCORING The highest possible score is 30, and the lowest is zero. The higher the score, the higher your likelihood of having success in all your relationships. 0-9: You probably find yourself frustrated in relationships (especially with your mother) more often than you would like. 10-15: You have a high aptitude for relating and are open to learning 16-24: You have good relationship skills. How can you apply them more to your mother relationship? 25-30: Congratulations! Your capacity for present-centered relating is at a very high level.
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