Advice on Making Peace With Mom Before It’s Too Late

By Val Boyko • April 23rd, 2011
Cover of "I Am My Mother's Daughter: Maki...

Cover via Amazon

Here are Short Takes from Iris Krasnow from her book I Am My Mother’s Daughter, Making Peace with Mom-Before It’s Too Late.

I really enjoyed this book. There are many women’s stories, including Iris’s own. She writes with humor and a journalistic edge! When I came across it I realized that Iris expresses everything I want to share with Mother Whisperers.

These short takes summarize her main themes. When we have the end in mind, it opens up a new way of thinking … before it’s too late.

YOU CAN’T DIVORCE YOUR MOTHER
Love her or hate her, you may be stuck with your mother well past the time your own hair turns gray-or falls out. The average life expectancy of a healthy female is now past 80. So, you better learn to embrace this flawed Mother Dearest, because she could be showing up at your dinner table for the next 20 years.

THE MIRRORS ARE EVERYWHERE
“I Am My Mother’s Daughter” becomes more blindingly true as we age. Often what we can’t stand in our mothers are traits we increasingly find in ourselves. Yet, this discovery can actually be healing and fortifying, as two strong women meld into one formidable creature. You will find that the mother you loathed at the age of 15 is a mother you can savor as a best friend when you turn 40, 50 and beyond.

YOU CAN’T SAY “I’M SORRY” AT A FUNERAL
Saying “I apologize, let’s move on” is not only the preferable course to take, it is essential. Do it now before your mother dies, moves on to peaceful paradise and leaves you behind, writhing in remorse with a haunting list of “I should haves.” It’s time to discover who your mother truly is, and how her past shaped her. You may find that she harbors hurt from her childhood that explains some of her shortcomings as a mother. A vulnerable mother who opens her heart is much easier to accept and to love.

IF YOU CAN’T FORGIVE, AT LEAST FORGET
You may not forgive her, but you need to let go of antique pain, blame and anger. Forget the worst, and reinvent yourselves as mother and daughter in this moment. When you make up while mom is still spunky, you get years more of a supportive friendship with the woman who knows you better, and perhaps loves you more, than any other human on earth.

NO ONE IS PERFECT, INCLUDING YOU-SO LOVE THE MOM YOU’RE WITH
No matter how much we adore our fathers, it’s our relationship with our mothers that is the primal connection to life, and ultimately to our happiness. No matter how different each mother-daughter bond is, as one body of women we share something huge and over-arching: The ways we relate to our mothers determines how we work, play, love, marry and mother our own broods. In short, getting along with mom is a primary ticket to joy and fulfillment. So we better get it right.

WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP IS COMPLETE, A MOTHER’S DEATH CAN BE MORE EMPOWERING THAN DEBILITATING
Once the relationship with mom is whole and healed, her death can actually be emancipating. This is the moment when an adult daughter is freed to take the best of her mother, leave the worst behind, and become fully her own person. It is both a lonely journey and a rich adventure, as grieving daughters turn to spiritual exploration, start tackling new dreams, deepen friendships with other women, and for the first time live life not as their mother’s daughter, but as women accountable only to themselves.

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    Ask yourself if you make any of the following 15 statements. Find out if you are expressing yourself fully and are communicating with openness and presence.
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